My article that was published in Viz (2001)

I wrote this!



I originally wrote HansenChat sometime back in 2000 and posted it on my website, as an ironic tribute to the former Liverpool defender turned BBC couch-warmer.

A few months afterwards, the Viz editors spotted it on my website and contacted me offering to publish it. Being a massive Viz fan I was mightily pleased, and they sent me a contract in the post and a fifty pound cheque.

This was the first (and last) time something I wrote appeared in print. My one fleeting moment of glory in the national press.

The invisible bird

My friends all think I’m crazy.

My friends all think I’m mad.

This is because I sit and talk to the invisible bird that sits in the corner of the bathroom.

This bird is very special for two reasons: firstly, the fact that it is invisible is worthy of note.

The second thing is that it can see into the future.

It speaks to me and only me. It communicates not through words but through thoughts and feelings. I am the only one who can detect its existence and hear the prophecies of which it speaks. And now one of the bird's predictions has caused me great alarm.

It told me I would one day become President of Nigeria.

This thought worries me for two reasons. Firstly, although I would gladly accept the immense rewards and status that ruling this vibrant African nation would bring, I would be faced with challenge of assuming leadership over a country I have absolutely no knowledge of and have never visited.

Could I really migrate to a new continent and tackle Nigeria's humanitarian and economic woes, whilst winning the respect of the country's armed forces and forging a proud and prosperous national identity? Has the unremarkable life I've led sufficiently prepared me for this calling?

But it also worries me because I am slowly, ever so slowly, realising…

… that my friends are absolutely right.

(Reprinted from the wall of the old smoking room in Chez Filth)