Love poem

After a recent crack binge I set out to write the most shockingly awful piece of poetry that I possibly could. This here, friends, is the result...

A poem about love
(To the tune of "the Rose")

Love...
Is my sturdy chariot
You just can't carry it
Let it carry you

For it's too heavy
And I am too weak
And the answers to your questions
I seek

"Do you love me?
Does a pot of gold
Sit at the end of the rainbow
Like we're told?"

Well, sugar, I don't know
The waters are murky
Who knows what'll happen
The future is murky

But I want you to know
You're my guardian angel
Together we'll defeat mighty foes
With our awesome cudgel

We'll use shock and awe tactics
Like General Schwarzkopf
In the first Gulf War
And we're not afraid to read Mein Kampf

Metaphorically, that is
We're not jew-haters
Our love for one another
Is all that concerns us

Our love knows no fear
And can see through time
You make a million dollars
Feel like a dime

'Cos when I hold you in my arms
Babe, I feel so rich
If you ever were to leave me
I'd want to die in a ditch

You're my fair lady
And I your prince
Our love will stay fresh
Like a pound of frozen mince

Happy ever after
Into the sun we go
And one day the rain clouds
Will turn into snow

We should never give up
Even when we are tired
And search for the truth
Like Mohammed Al-Fayed

When I think about losing you
I want to stab myself with a knife
There's one way to prevent it
Let me grow upon your life

Let's go to the shops
And build our own patio
We'll have a fairytale wedding
Like Pacman and Super Mario

Let's go to the store
And check out carpet samples
Of all the good times we could have
There are many examples

We'll host dinner parties
Make flavoured punch
And take our elderly relatives
Out to lunch

We'll sponsor orphans
In the developing world
And give them stupid names
Like Ken and Barbie and Blofeld

We'll wear matching shoes
And jog round the block
We'll invest in a timeshare
With a humourous porcelain clock

We'll collect jars of honey
And make our own marmalade
And if they point and stare
We'll just bring out the lemonade

And if the passion dies
If my eye starts to wander
I'll throw my car keys down on the tray
And go home with another

Yes, we'll live a secret double life
Of gimp masks and debauchery
We'll go to swingers' parties
And give out our marmalade for free

But I never want to lose sight
Of this word I speak of
It rhymes with glove, and enough
The word is love